Lodestone & Lady's Mantle

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~Lodestone & Lady's Mantle's~
Lexicon
(or "A Modern Pagan Bestiary"),
compiled by Azzerac and Carmin

(Warning: This page can be perceived as both Defamatory & Inflammatory! It is a bit of a rant, and was composed with an aim at the stereotypes, so prevalent in every sub-culture, landing smack in the middle of ours!)

The authors do not intend this article out of spite, but rather as a tribute to the oddness and character in our community. We all see ourselves as T.H.D.W's, but there is a sub-classification in all of us (...or wrapped around us). We readily admit to being many of these things ourselves, either past or presently.

Azzerac is, on occasion, a Magi-vellian, was a Pumpkin-Flower Druid ("Long Story. Wow! Look-At-The-Time!") and can-be a Wiz-bang, (not by choice, but opportunity). He still holds a soft spot in his head, er- Heart, for his "Llewellyn Practical Guides", hates "Magjyickquians" & "Wi-Tards", and attends some Pagan Fests solely for the Festivities!

Carmin is an incurable B.D.H., with strong tendencies toward Mog-Rat and Granny Dub-ism. She has been spotted on no less than 5 separate occasions sporting polyester wings, carries sack loads of reference material, and does indeed own a Triune symbol ring. Gasp!!!

We hope you laugh at this, as much as we laugh at ourselves.

Aggies, Angel-Cakes,
"Booga-Booga!", Brown-abies, B.D.H.'s,
Cash Cowen, Crescent Rolls, Crystal Hags,
D'andD'ies,
Earth-Mother Types, Easy-Bake Coven,
Fluffy-Bunny New Agers,
Gloom-Cookie, Granny-'Dub's,
Hag-Fags, Holly-wiccans,
Lost Soles, Llew-Llews,
Mc Magic, Magjyickquians, Messy-physical, Mog-Rats, Mundania, Mundies,
Nanny 'O's, Newbies, New-Wagers,
Old-Girls Club, Om-Mani-Bendejo's
P'sha-men, Pumpkin-Flower Druids,
Shame-Men,
Tree-Hugging Dirt Worshiper, T. 'R' U., Trustafarians,
Ven-Heads, Weekend-Warlock
Whoopie-Witch, Witchy-Poo, Wi-Tards, Wiz-Bangs,
Zell-ots

Aggies-Someone who shops exclusively through a company that Sounds like "As Sure Greed". (Definition: "Blue Money").

Angel-Cakes: If I have to hear about One More LOONY That Channels Michael or Gabriel, I'm going to loose my lunch! Often slightly sinister for no apparent reason, but considering that they often channel those that have 'crossed over', and are thus NECROMANCERS, it isn't all that surprising.

"Booga-Booga!": The supposed "Fear Factor" of witchcraft. Playing on long-dead stereotypes, this style of dress and adornment doesn't stop at attire! They come up with the most historically "Evil-Sounding" names they can think of! They are "Satanists", "Warlocks", and even (Dare I say It?) "Vampires"! (Cue the scary "Muzak", heavy on the cellos!)

Brown-abies: People who use the title "Fairie Tradition" as an excuse to wear "Wicked Witch" stockings and Polyester Wings in Public.

B.D.H.'s **(Big-Damned-Heroes): the handful of helpfuls that volunteer, making every festival, open circle, or coven meeting happen, running on caffeine and the pure excitement of the moment and occasion. They bring the candles, call ALL the quarters, supply the ENTIRE pot-luck, attempt to set up the entire sweat-lodge by themselves, and set up tents (boy, do they set up tents) while leading the drumming circle and watching EVERYONE'S children ("Because children ARE our future"). ...and then they wonder why no one else helps out.

Cash Cowen: Non magical people who rape the wallets of the magical community. The oral traditionalists have ever held that one NEVER charges money for instruction, initiation, or spell casting. That being said, it includes anyone who teaches "sound healing" without knowing a damn thing about music theory, or medicine, cleverly disguised by playing an instrument no one has ever heard of, inserting scientific jargon to justify their work, in the hopes that no one in the audience can understand them; anyone who places a price tag on what the Rede has always claimed to be given freely (i.e. training); Anyone who uses "freeing the mind" to fill their pockets; People who edit photographic research results to justify their new line of over-priced water bottles, and last but not least, those that will cast a spell for you for a gross fee. One of our favorites was a woman online charging $200 for a prosperity spell. Must I point out the irony? Please don't make me.

Crescent Rolls: authors, or would be authors guilty of 5 episode serials of "Beginner books" all along the same topic, with nothing to add between the sequels (Save a sentence or two), culminating in the "All-Out-of-Ideas Tarot Deck". (See "Llew-Llews" for their target readers)

Crystal Hags: Crossbreed of Whoopie-Witch and New-Wager, who load each finger with four rings, lasso a twelve-pound wire-wrapped quartz around their necks, and wear bangles up to their arm-pits. They can and will expound on the virtues of every stone they own, as well as the properties of every mineral known to exist (and some that don't) to a horrified and captive audience. At least they have Faith: Faith in a Rock.

D'andD'ies: (Pronounced: "Dandies") People who confuse Role Playing Game magic with The Real Deal.

Earth-Mother Types: "Ugly as Dirt, and just as Round". The Willendorf may not have been anorexic, but we've all seen the Roman statues of Venus, the Egyptian paintings of Isis, and the Assyrian images of Ishtar. It's not that 'Rubanesque' isn't attractive, but there are legions of people that use religion to excuse a "Two medium Pizzas in a sitting" breakfast. Park the car, kill the tube, and take a walk: Harm None includes Yourself. Nuff' said? Maybe not. Earth Mothers are not just limited to the fairer sex. Males of this variety frequently sport mullets, oversized glasses and a distinct lack of soap. (I, Ac, was once 80 lbs overweight, Myself. Let's not even address my hygiene, shall we?)

Easy-Bake Coven: Whoopie-Witches & Holly-Wiccans banding together to keep "Spell-in-a-can/box/bag/sachet/burlap-sack" in Business. Often seen in Un-Natural habitat, usually wearing obscene amounts of purple velvet.

Fluffy-Bunny New Agers: A breed of "Pagan in Denial" that originated in the late 80's. What they lacked in decisiveness they more than made up for in enthusiasm. Though (if given half a chance, or any good reason) they find a more dignified path, their ranks are quickly replaced from the ever-flowing wellspring of "New-Wager" initiates.

Gloom-Cookie: Goth-Witch with a fixation but no faith.

(Update 2/21/08: "Gloom-Wicca" books are beginning to appear in Mall Bookstores.)

Granny-'Dub's*: Those practitioners so developed in their own disciplines that they tend to forget that anyone else exists, let alone has feelings.

Hag-Fags: Gay male witches that marry "Earth Mothers" as a (misguided) excuse to deny their sexuality.

Holly-wiccans : Those that base their "Tradition" from baaad movies & television.

Lost Soles: Those that have been walked on, helpless and hopeless, they seek ANYTHING to give themselves a sense of personal power and control of their pain-filled lives. Perhaps we can help them find what they seek, perhaps not. They are prevalent in our community and they need our help, not our scorn.

Llew-Llews: people who will buy any, and only, books with a crescent moon on the binding. Usually disdain any book written before 197O.

Mc Magic: Fast-food styled, pagan on the go, No Brain Required Metaphysics! The latest in Cheap, knock-off, Trinkets, components, and Ideology! Don't look at it too closely, or you may see what you've been Swallowing.

Magi-vellian: someone who believes that magic has specific laws. Quixotic, yet unswayable in their beliefs that there is a right way and a wrong way to do magic, and so firmly fixed in his belief that he will brook no transgression, let alone new idea.

"Magjyickquians": People who are so concerned that Occult Magic will be confused with Stage Magic that they feel the need to Alter it's spelling in such bizarre ways so that no search engine will ever find their own, Private "Manifesto"!

Messy-physical: The 'voodoo erroneous' that professes ancient wisdom mixed with technology, and passes it off as 'progress'. It includes a wide range of hokum, from chakra wands to 'cosmic foot baths'.

Mog-Rats*: Fundamentalist Pagans, obsessively adhering to absolutely every tenant (even those that contradict each other) out of fear of "doing it wrong". Very disciplined, they check and double check every word and gesture in a ritual, often spending about three hours cross-referencing a half hour working.

Mundania: The name often given to describe 'the outer world' of normalcy. Most frequently used while attending Fests and Retreats, but has drifted out of the campsites and into general usage.

Mundies: People who disbelieve in our way of life. (They still think we don't exist.) "Muggle" is the Shelti Thari word for "Apple"!

Nanny 'O's*: Witches that take a practical approach to the craft while still managing to enjoy the festivities. Often with more children than their spouse, and less virtue than a toilet.

Newbies: those adorable, bright eyed people new to the Craft; very exuberant and impressionable, no matter what their age. Carry sack loads of reference books .Stay crunchy in milk. Badly in need of good teachers and influences, not shunning.

New-Wagers: People who were 'Sold' a mystical world view. They think the BOUGHT enlightenment, but can only spout catch-phrases like "Empower", "Manifest", "Namaste'", "Aura", "Chakra", "Feng-shui", "Reiki", and "Energy-Worker", as was included in the seminar, workshop, or sales-pitch for some over-priced trinket or service. They flirt the edges of the craft under the title of "Spiritual, Not Religious", never dedicating themselves in the fear they may have been 'taken' (and in most cases they have been). They change paths more frequently than most people change socks, and look for a sense of 'self' without ever really Looking at themselves.

Old-Girls Club: Those that seek to maintain a sense of exclusivity (usually against males, Newbies, and eccentrics), while they perform their craft 'by the book', without joy, solace, or celebration.

Om-Mani-Bendejo's****: Guys who practice Yoga, meditate, speak softly, sport ponytails, encircle their fingers completely out of context, and take any opportunity to demonstrate their flexibility & (passive/aggressive) superiority, "Because Chicks Dig It"!

P'sha-men: People who will buy ANYTHING with a wolf or raven stick-figure engraved upon it, thinking it brings them closer to The Land.

Pumpkin-Flower Druids: Those lacking any botanical experience, and follow the un-founded ravings of Douglas Monroe, who has been adamant that the ancient druids held sacred a plant native to the Americas, as he quoted "ancient" chants & rants from the movie "Excalibur".

Shame-Men: Men who pretend to practice Shamanism. They can often be discovered by flagrant lies about their ancestry, training, and experiences. Bathed in patchouli, they are most frequently seen with a Didge strapped across their backs, although a few subspecies will carry a flute and wear feathers during mating season (read, every season). Never having heard of Harner, and using Castaneda's books as a grocery list, they pose as 'natural spiritualist'. They do this, if not for the 'constitutional right' to take plant alkalis (drugs) under the banner of "Religious Freedom", then solely "because Chicks Dig It".

Tree-Hugging Dirt Worshiper: If you don't find yourself in any of the other categories, go find a mirror.

T. 'R' U. (Trinkets-R-Us): Messy-physical stores that claim to carry the trappings (TRAP emphasized) of the craft, only to provide one with the same lifeless window-dressings as any other outlet store. Sometimes they even carry Herbs! Ten Different Kinds!!!

Trustafarians: Trust-Fund Babies, spending Mommy & Daddy's Money on ways to prove they don't need It, Them, or their "Conservative Ways". You will find them all over the globe, at festivals & spiritual conventions. The wear the level of tattoos that no working-class person could possibly afford, and sneak off to the ATM when they think no one's looking, so they can afford their lifestyle through their hypocritical "College Fund". Produced in droves by the Internet "Land-Grab" of the early 1990's, these Nuevo Riche' Rebels will look at holding a job like it's "Selling Out", but never seem to see that their bank fund is dwindling. Their path always stops, with a crash, landing them back on their parent's doorsteps. Can you say, "Do you want fries with that"?
Who am I kidding? Daddy will always save them!

Ven-Heads: People who are enamored, STILL, with the TV series "Charmed", and keep the stores stocked with 'Triune Ven Diagram' Signets.

Weekend-Warlocks: People who play-at witchcraft. They can be "Practicing witchcraft for years", and still not have the slightest idea that it's really Real!

Whoopie-Witch***:platypus of the magical bestiary, composed of many different things, but frequently characterized as the following: Someone who puts zero effort into their craft, including study and materials and expects everything out of it because they do it just like in the movies. To a Whoopie Witch, the look of the thing is more important than the thing itself. As the lovely Mercedes Lackey related in a "Diana Tregarde" story, a Whoopie witch is someone who slops taco sauce on a pentacle because it looks like blood.

Witchy-Poo: A very serious juvenile aged Witch that is absolutely certain they ARE NOT a beginner. Easily distinguished from Newbies by the glower. Usually very sincere, they often make excellent Witches when they realize they don't know everything, and the world is bigger than 1O books and a year or two of Sabbats. Desperate to be accepted into the rarified "community" they study harder and know more about magic than any of their friends. They also
avoid anything that might be misconstrued as fluffy bunny.

Wi-Tards: Any Wi-tch or Wi-zard that thinks you Must be "X" or "Y" to be a witch or wizard! They Must be Satanists! They Must be Goth! They Must Summon Things they Can't Possibly Put-Down! They Must Get-Way-In-Over-Their-Heads (and then run for help)!
They MUST get a Clue!
"Self-Destruction Incarnate", these people run for Glam Fads before they get any Idea of what they're in for, and then run screaming into the night at the first sign that this stuff is really REAL! Most times, they end up born-again or worse, and then decry the lot of us as being as evil as they THOUGHT they were! Posers with Pentacles!

Wiz-Bangs: Guys who practice the craft, druidry, or wizardry "because (you guessed it) Chicks Dig It"!

"Zell-ots": People under the assumption that "Really Pretty Pictures, and Lots of Them" make a great book on wizardry, regardless of how badly researched it is.

(*= Thank You, Mr. Pratchett.)
(**=Thanks, Mr. Whedon)
(***=Thanks to YOU, Ms. Lackey)
(****-Drawn from a CD of Tibetan Chants. You'd Swear that's what they were saying!)

This "modern bestiary" will continually be a work in progress, as we can only imagine what new, wild, and wondrous creatures the Goddess will reveal to us.

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